Between Two Cities: A Memoir About Living and Belonging
A clear portrait of what it’s like to tear your heart in two and leave each half in a different city.
“I’ve changed jobs and cities.” I picture Bukowski writing this at 3 a.m (probably drunk) thinking he is a badass. Charles, sweetie, if you had to live in today’s world, you’d hate to discover you’re nothing special. If I told a friend I’d changed jobs and cities, she would answer: “That’s cool for a Tuesday plan, I went to the salon to get my nails done.”
I get you though, Charles. It’s been four years now since I’ve been living between two cities. I should be writing this on a train to Madrid. Instead I’m typing from a library in Sevilla. And what might feel like a simple change of location to you, is for me a life-changing decision.
So If you keep reading, you’ll get a clear idea of what it’s like to tear your heart in two and leave each half in a different city.
21-06-2023
INT. MADRID APARTMENT – NIGHT
Paula finds me on the floor of our Madrid apartment, having a panic attack.
ME
I’m sorry, I thought. I thought I could leave all my wounds in Sevilla and have the life we promised when we met in college, but they’ve followed me. They’re not in Sevilla. They’re in me. I’m sorry for dating an abuser and losing the ability to breathe.
Instead I said: I need to go back to Sevilla.
I went back to Sevilla because I didn’t want to die, but being alive hurt like hell.
25-08-2023
EXT. SEVILLA TERRACE – DAY
Paula asked me how things were going in Sevilla and in my head. She asked if I had learned how to breathe again.
Kalbi, they’ve replaced me. How dare they go on with their lives like that? Okay, I decided I was gone forever to Madrid, but I came back, so it doesn’t count.
I remember crying to Paula. I remember asking: Am I really that replaceable?
And I’ll always remember what she answered:
Of course you are. We only replace what is essential to us. The more important you are, the bigger the void. And the bigger the void, the stronger the urge to fill it.
I love and hate when she gets this poetically right.
The breathing is okay. Turns out it’s not a skill you can unlearn; it was just a consequence of the abuse. I have post-traumatic stress. But I’m okay as long as I take my pills and stay a safe distance from manipulative sociopath guys. And you know I’m not very good at this last one.
13-02-2024
INT. MADRID APARTMENT – NIGHT
Paula asked me how things were going in Sevilla. I took my bag and pulled a book out.
I’m reading this now. Can I say “fine” if I think Sally Rooney wrote this for me? You can say you are a narcissist, but let me see.
Marianne had the sense that her real life was happening somewhere very far away, happening without her, and she didn’t know if she would ever find out where it was and become part of it.
I am coming back to Madrid.
In Sevilla, I have this feeling that my life is happening somewhere else, and I’m missing it. It’s only when I’m in Madrid that I actually get to live my life. Plus, I can breathe now, so there’s that.
Paula looks at me and gives me a sad smile.
Which means she’s happy for the news, but it hurts. Because if I couldn’t escape, maybe she won’t either.
I want you to come back, she says effortlessly. Like an I love you you really want to say but will only say when the other person says it first.
21-06-2024
INT. NEW MADRID APARTMENT – DAY
PAULA
Kalbi, this apartment is horrible.
ME
There’s no sunlight in the salon, and the ceiling paint sometimes falls off.
PAULA
You have no idea how happy it makes me that you’re here again. But please be careful. I don’t want you to end up like me.
I’m tired of living in places where I never belong.
ME
I am going to live in Madrid, but I will always belong to Sevilla.
Instead, I said: Don’t worry, I choose Madrid.
PAULA
So repeat after me: I take you, Madrid. In sickness and in health, for living and for belonging.
ME
(smiles)
So I repeated: I take you, Madrid. In sickness and in health, for living and for belonging.
After an amazing day together, where we told our biggest nightmares while lying on the bed with our heads upside down, painted our nails, watched Friends, and tried to make a craft to calm our anxiety and stopped when it gave us anxiety, Paula left the apartment.
And after closing the door, I took my phone and bought a train ticket to Sevilla.
02-07-2024
INT. SEVILLA – DAY
Note I wrote on my iPhone lying on the couch while my sister tickles my head at my own request (later I’ll blame her for my dandruff):
Coming back to Sevilla is strange. I feel at home because it’s Sevilla, and everything looks the same. But when I look again, I notice the changes. Yesterday, I found a wrinkle on María’s face and a new Burger King in Plaza de la Encarnación.
I guess that’s what happens when you’re gone just long enough for things to change, but not long enough for them to become unrecognizable. That’s the distance I live in.
It’s just enough distance to belong to two cities. The trick is to inhabit one and live in the other. At first, I thought it would wear me down. That’s when you learn how to delegate. In the end, it becomes teamwork. If you’re not physically there, you have to exist in the minds of those who are.
Sometimes I’m afraid they’ll get tired of me living only in their thoughts and not in their streets. When that happens, I go back. And I call that city home.
It sounded like a good plan. It felt like a good plan.
But it also felt terrible.
In Madrid, I felt like I was being erased, so I went back to redraw myself.
Being in Sevilla felt like watering your neighbor’s plants instead of your own.
31-05-2025
INT. NEWER NEW MADRID APARTMENT – DAY
Paula and I moved into an apartment, just the two of us. Because I didn’t have a contract at the falling-down-ceiling apartment and one night I asked my flatmate to please not sing at 2am since I had to sleep. She got mad at me. The next day, she hid the TV remote and removed the showerhead. I was really scared. Not because I couldn’t watch TV or take a shower, I was worried about living with an unstable person with mental issues. So I packed all my things and left. Paula’s gold necklace had also been stolen from her room, so she didn’t want to keep living there either.
There isn’t much dialogue between Paula and me in this part since I spent the whole day working at a job I hated, and Paula got a girlfriend and got lost in being a lesbian.
After getting fired from that job I hated (apparently you can’t ghost the CEO’s phone calls) and getting herpes from a guy with mommy issues, I went back to Sevilla (no surprise to anyone).
And because humans are famous for tripping over the same stone twice, I started doing to Madrid what I already knew I was good at. I have been going to Madrid every weekend I could.
Tomorrow at this exact hour, I would have been on a train to Madrid.
Instead, I’m writing this in a library in Sevilla.
Because yesterday I called my friend Marta and told her I couldn’t do it anymore. Because going meant denying I had made a choice. Denying that I no longer exist in Madrid. Not allowing myself to fully exist in Sevilla.
Saying it felt good. And it felt awful.
Every decision carries a quiet goodbye.
And trying to avoid the pain of goodbye, I had been living in constant pain.
So today, I am ready to feel the gap Paula told me about between living and belonging.
Today I say goodbye to Madrid.
And I let go.
I don’t know if it’s okay to say this, but I had the time of my life writing this (even while reliving all of it). So if you enjoyed reading it even half as much as I enjoyed writing it, I’d be incredibly happy.
I’d love to hear whatever you want to say in the comments, especially if you know what it feels like to live between two cities <3
That was a pretty wild ride, having an unstable roommate can be nerve wrecking. It’s not always easy to make a decision; even harder to follow through for some people. Good luck to you!!
As someone who’s lived in two cities there’s so much of this I relate to. Love it